The Women Guide |
Debunking myths since God invented vaginas. |
What do you want to know?
Verbally submitted by a male friend: Why don’t girls seem to be attracted to nice guys, and always end up falling for assholes?
First let’s see how old this girl is. If she is under 24/25, she’s probably not secure in herself yet. There are exceptions to this. Sometimes the younger ones figure it out earlier and sometimes they just never do. If you don’t know her well enough to know her age yet, you can assess her security by determining how much of her boobs you can see on a daily basis. If the bitch is all kindsa hangin’ out, she’s looking for security in the advances of anyone. She’ll usually take the first guy that smacks her ass. Also keep in mind that these girls are typically hoe bags and not the type of girl a nice guy wants in his life.
We also need to ask if “nice guy” is code for a guy that lives in his mother’s basement and plays video games all day. If you’re that guy, you’re not ready for a relationship past that one level 20 paladin that you do raids with on a nightly basis.
If you’re a reasonably attractive, nice guy with a job and real life social interactions, then there are plenty of girls that will be attracted to you. Maybe you’re looking for them in the wrong place. Don’t look for one of these girls in a bumpin’ club somewhere. I’m not saying that nice girls don’t go to clubs, but nice girls don’t go to clubs. This is where you find the aforementioned tit-out chicks discussed earlier.
Also beware the bar slag. She is easily noticed as she will be the loudest, drunkest girl at the bar holding on to various objects to prevent falling down. While waiting for the right girl to come along, this female is only appropriate for fulfilling carnal needs you would never tell your friends about. However, it is important to remember to wear a raincoat. This is not a euphemism for a condom, though you should probably wear 10 of those and keep the raincoat on as well. Keep in mind that you could meet a nice girl in a bar and only resort to this woman at 2 a.m. after you’ve found the bottom of the Jameson bottle.
Other places you wont find the girl of your dreams:
People always say that nice guys finish last. I’m sorry, but it’s true. We have to have our share of assholes to learn the value of a nice guy. That being said, we will get to you eventually.
What would you like to know?
Submitted by WhiteXBread.
Much like hair color, clothes, cologne and cars, facial hair is really a subjective issue. It varies from girl to girl. We have to weigh things like: Is the pleasant inner-thigh tickle of a beard worth dealing with the *ahem* moisture residuals when kissing him after? Is the clean-shaven look worth the possible pain of 5 o’clock shadow scraping against the most tender of tenders?
But a woman’s facial hair preference isn’t exclusively based around oral sex… Looks do matter to us as much as they matter to you. It’s impossible to give you a list of styles that girls like or don’t like, because there’s no set standard. I can however give you a list styles and tell you what they say to prospective ladies friends:
· The Lone Mustache- This guy either has a sense of humor, takes himself way too seriously, or has a steady supply of Rohypnol (maybe all three). Two of the three options here are generally not a turn on. If wax or another styling agent has been applied, run. Definitely owns a record player. Beware of a hidden hairlip.
Successful Applications- Alex Trebeck, Burt Reynolds, Ned Flanders
· The Full Beard- This guy is probably warm, cuddly, and masculine. However, chances are he has developed some kind of weird relationship with his beard that you will never understand. Probably owns hatchet, or at very least a pocket knife. May have a special comb- just for his beard.
Successful Applications- Jesus, @Twoname, @DrBadHands, Cat Stevens
· The Goatee- This guy looks in the mirror at least once a day, and grooms himself (total plus). The longer it gets, the weirder he is. He also, without a doubt, owns a flannel shirt and probably at least one Alice In Chains album.
Successful Applications- Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp
· The Chin Strap- Like Goatee guy, this guy grooms, maybe even goes to a barber. Probably likes sluts, and owns at least one baseball cap with a completely straight brim. Check him for diamond earrings, proceed with caution.
Successful Applications- @fakejohnblake, @shamelessplug when dressed as @fakejohnblake for Halloween, but that’s it.
· The Lone Soul Patch- Prepare for one of two things: A sad tortured artist (emotional, weird, a little nuts), or an angry tortured artist (“no one gets me”, rockband-type, a little more nuts). Owns a guitar or drumset, maybe a gun.
Successful Applications- Howie Mandel, Satan
· Clean-Shaven- He’s pretty, and he knows it. This guy is confident enough in his chin, lips and jawline to show that shit to anybody who’ll look. Owns more than one tie.
Questionable Application- Joaquin Pheonix (he makes ugly kind of pretty)
I’m sure I’m leaving styles out, but like I said, it’s all about personal preference. Just make sure the style you pick compliments your face, and doesn’t detract from it. Facial hair shouldn’t be a joke, or a conversation piece- that’s what your dick is for.
Hope that helps!
-M. (Unmotivatedaka @guymcmannerson)
Editorial Opinion-
No razor should touch a man’s face. Ever. You are allowed to trim appropriately. Keep it neat. But grow that shit, you burly, sexy, man! If you cannot grow a beard (which is just plain sad, but not your fault, honey) then groom accordingly.
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What have you always wanted to know about women?
Question submitted by BenMarvin.
No, this is not normal. In my experience, when girls say things like this, they’re either trying to make you like them, or trying to make you like them more. Girls, as a rule, don’t share things they like, and don’t play well with others. Sure, we’ll make out with each other for attention, or we’ll talk about another girl being hot with our guy, but for the most part, the idea of another girl borrowing her man (or her favorite earrings) is wholly unbearable.
Now, there is of course, the freaky minority. These women, although volatile, are the Holy Grail of girlfriends. There are though, a few things you need to know before you agree:
All of these issues are paramount. If you manage to establish your role within the sexy party, and pick a hot third all without finding out that you’ve inadvertently failed some secret test and now will never see your GF’s slanty paradise again, well, you my friend have lived the dream. You have climbed the mountain, you have seen the glory, and now you may descend and rub it in the faces of all of your sex-starved friends.
Congrats, and God speed.
-M. (Unmotivated aka @guymcmannerson)
Response to The Man Guide:
This is a question I’m sure many men would like an answer to. I think it’s important, though, to avoid a digression into things like ‘Mommy-issues’ and ‘commitment phobias’.
The fact of the matter is than inside your head, there lives a little voice- some have called it ego, others conscience, others schizophrenia- that thinks you’re a lot greater than you are. Now, I’m not saying you’re not great, I’m just emphasizing that this little voice thinks you’re THE shit; the tops; bee’s knees; the mutt’s nuts; etc.
So maybe you’re seeing a couple of girls, and getting really close with one. You’re all kissin’ and shit, maybe even already mashin’ your privates together. Things are going great! But she starts to bark up the commitment tree and for some reason, your half-wood melts like Velveeta and your balls retreat inside you like threatened turtle. What’s the deal?
Well, the aforementioned little voice is speaking up. He’s saying, “Hey buddy, if we settle here, think about all the other poon we’ll be walking away from! All the tummies we’ll forgo spunking on! All the beejays we’ll be turning our back on! Don’t do it! Run!” Subconsciously, you’re affected, you listen, and you inevitably shy away from what might have been a good relationship.
Now, don’t get mad at the little voice. He’s only looking out for you. The problem is that chances are, you don’t exactly have hundreds of girls banging your door down cause they wanna blow you. He also doesn’t know about the positives of monogamy, which might include such wonders as unprotected sex, fantasy exploration without judgment or rumors, occasional gifts, and maybe even a birthday threesome (these are of course, best case scenarios- assuming you commit to a reasonably cool chick and not some loopy cunt.)
My advice is to ignore the little voice. Try it out. If a girl wants you to be monogamous, it probably means that she likes you enough to let you touch her pink spots on the regular, which is pretty neat. Commit, but make sure she’s worth it first. And if you do take the leap, don’t do it half assed, because you’ll never reap the benefits that way.
-M. (Unmotivated aka @guymcmannerson)
Submitted by Plaid Lemur
Response to The Men Guide
Short answer: Nope.
Porn star or regular Joe, your boner is not attractive. This is a reccuring theme today. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make a woman drool over your boner unless, of course, its clogging her mouth hole.
There is an option: Tie a bow around it. This is only for the brave! We will laugh at your efforts and you better be prepared for that response. Women are very turned on by a guy that can make her laugh and you will likely be rewarded for the giggle fest that will transpire. By rewarded I mean we’ll probably do you. You like that don’t you?
Ask us a question. We’ll give you an answer.
What do you want to know?
