The Women Guide

Submitted by WhiteXBread.

Much like hair color, clothes, cologne and cars, facial hair is really a subjective issue. It varies from girl to girl. We have to weigh things like: Is the pleasant inner-thigh tickle of a beard worth dealing with the *ahem* moisture residuals when kissing him after? Is the clean-shaven look worth the possible pain of 5 o’clock shadow scraping against the most tender of tenders? 

But a woman’s facial hair preference isn’t exclusively based around oral sex… Looks do matter to us as much as they matter to you. It’s impossible to give you a list of styles that girls like or don’t like, because there’s no set standard. I can however give you a list styles and tell you what they say to prospective ladies friends:

·   The Lone Mustache- This guy either has a sense of humor, takes himself way too seriously, or has a steady supply of Rohypnol (maybe all three). Two of the three options here are generally not a turn on. If wax or another styling agent has been applied, run. Definitely owns a record player. Beware of a hidden hairlip.

Successful Applications- Alex Trebeck, Burt Reynolds, Ned Flanders

·   The Full Beard- This guy is probably warm, cuddly, and masculine. However, chances are he has developed some kind of weird relationship with his beard that you will never understand. Probably owns hatchet, or at very least a pocket knife. May have a special comb- just for his beard.

Successful Applications- Jesus, @Twoname, @DrBadHands, Cat Stevens

·   The Goatee- This guy looks in the mirror at least once a day, and grooms himself (total plus). The longer it gets, the weirder he is. He also, without a doubt, owns a flannel shirt and probably at least one Alice In Chains album.

Successful Applications- Colin Farrell, Johnny Depp

·   The Chin Strap- Like Goatee guy, this guy grooms, maybe even goes to a barber. Probably likes sluts, and owns at least one baseball cap with a completely straight brim. Check him for diamond earrings, proceed with caution.

Successful Applications- @fakejohnblake, @shamelessplug when dressed as @fakejohnblake for Halloween, but that’s it.

·   The Lone Soul Patch- Prepare for one of two things: A sad tortured artist (emotional, weird, a little nuts), or an angry tortured artist (“no one gets me”, rockband-type, a little more nuts). Owns a guitar or drumset, maybe a gun.

Successful Applications- Howie Mandel, Satan

·   Clean-Shaven- He’s pretty, and he knows it. This guy is confident enough in his chin, lips and jawline to show that shit to anybody who’ll look. Owns more than one tie.

Questionable Application- Joaquin Pheonix (he makes ugly kind of pretty)

I’m sure I’m leaving styles out, but like I said, it’s all about personal preference. Just make sure the style you pick compliments your face, and doesn’t detract from it. Facial hair shouldn’t be a joke, or a conversation piece- that’s what your dick is for.

Hope that helps!

-M. (Unmotivatedaka @guymcmannerson)

Editorial Opinion-

No razor should touch a man’s face.  Ever.  You are allowed to trim appropriately.  Keep it neat.  But grow that shit, you burly, sexy, man!  If you cannot grow a beard (which is just plain sad, but not your fault, honey) then groom accordingly.

-@Natters1210